'Grief doesn't give my son a break' says Bedford mum as she prepares for the back to school rush

It is no secret that for many parents and carers, the back-to-school rush can be a real challenge.

From a summer spent finding cost-effective ways to keep the kids entertained to now trying to find school uniforms in the right size, the ‘September reset’ can look very different for parents.

That is especially true if you are carer of a young person who is grieving the death of a significant individual in their lives.

Natalie from Bedford, whose son, Eddie, lost his father when he was just four months old, said: “Every time there is a change in routine, particularly the summer holidays, my eldest son’s world is off kilter and the grief surfaces. Grief never goes away, we mask it, we carry it with us. Always.”

Whereas many young people are feeling refreshed and energised after enjoying the summer break, the UK’s first childhood bereavement charity Winston’s Wish understands that many grieving youngsters may find a change in routine, such as returning for the new academic year, particularly challenging.

UK-based childhood bereavement charity Winston’s Wish has been supporting children and young adults up to the age of 25, and the adults assisting them, for more than 30 years.

Estimates suggest that, each day, more than 100 children in the UK are bereaved of a parent and that figure doesn’t equate how many young people are coping with the death of another significant individual in their lives. Furthermore, one in 29 children are bereaved of a parent, that equates to one grieving youngster in every classroom who may need extra support in the new academic year.

Natalie shared her family’s experience. She said: “Eddie was four months old when he lost his daddy. Steve had just turned 44; it was a cardiac arrest. As my brother-in-law ran into my house he asked ‘Where’s the baby? We need to go – now.’ Someone had grabbed Eddie who was fast asleep in his cot, and we rushed to the hospital. I ran up the stairs, into the ward to find my mother-in-law walking towards me to say, ‘you’re too late.’

“Of all the things I remember of that night, it was Eddie being present in the cubicle, in his sleepsuit and growbag. It seemed the most appropriate yet inappropriate images. He was there – just taking in everything, smiling at everyone, blissfully and heartbreakingly unaware of what had just unfolded. Amid our grief, that little baby never cried, he just calmly watched, absorbing everything, and smiling. It was like he was our comforter that night.

“As a parent, looking back, I wonder if we did the right thing allowing him to witness that and my mother’s guilt wonders whether that night has any lasting negative impact on this now 12-year-old human. In his first few months, he was surrounding by underlying - and sometimes not underlying - sadness and grief. I wonder and feel guilty about whether this has shaped his being.”

Natalie explained her memories of Eddie’s first day at secondary school. She said, “From my point of view, watching Eddie go to secondary school without his dad was very hard. I was so worried as I knew making new friendships meant Eddie having to explain his situation again. It was a bittersweet day.”

Natalie’s son Eddie said: “My grief resurfaces when there’s a big change. Changes make me think about life and reflect on the past. It makes me realise that daddy’s not here to see me grow and what he’s missing out on and that makes me sad. Mum can’t help me as much as a man would. Because I’m sad about things I often miss out on opportunities. Sometimes when I’m sad about daddy, I don’t put myself forward to do things and then afterwards I regret this.”

Offering guidance on helping a grieving young person transition back to school, the charity advises to encourage your child to ask for help when they need it. It’s also important for a child to find ways to honour the memory of their person as they move into a new stage of their education. In times of change, keeping existing routines can provide a sense of stability and comfort. Remember that transitioning to a new school can be a gradual process and remind them it is normal to feel nervous or overwhelmed at times.

Winston’s Wish is keen to reassure young people and their families that support is available and they are welcome to chat online, email or call for free to speak to a bereavement support worker by calling 08088 020 021, emailing [email protected] or using the live chat at winstonswish.org