The traditional romantic gifts of red roses, chocolates and bubbly are all old hat, you see – particularly as the last two could have an unfortunate side effect for any other half who is watching their weight.
No, today’s must-have gift, only available online from an American website so you’ve probably left it too late for this year, is...a pound of human fat.
Well, not quite, but pretty close. It’s actually a revolting replica that looks and feels just like the real thing, mounted on a handy base and quite the conversation piece if you put it on your desk, or somewhere near the fridge.
After all, a not so gentle reminder of what might happen further down the road if you give in to temptation and scoff a delicious doughnut with your morning coffee might be just the motivational aid you need.
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It comes in a stomach-churning shade of yellow, and is made of soft, pliable vinyl plastic so that it can be squeezed and manipulated.
Its makers are quick to big up the educational and health benefits, saying that their unusual offer ‘has a profound and memorable effect when passed among an audience.’
And it could be yours for just $23 dollars or thereabouts.
That’s all very well, but if you ask me this could be just the start of a booming new sector in the gift market?
Surely it is not beyond the bounds of our capabilities to consign this artificial offering to the remainder bins and replace it pretty sharply with the real thing?
With the judicious application of sealants of some sort, it should be perfectly possible to make that step – and heaven knows there is a plentiful supply of raw material which doesn’t look as if it is going to run out any time soon.
That would make the gift even more personal, wouldn’t it? Nothing would demonstrate your commitment and your readiness to share of yourself than a his and hers set, if you ask me.
Then there would be all sorts of organic options, which would come complete with traceability stickers detailing the origin of the raw material.
Charities could get in on the act – sponsor a child, and get back solid evidence of just how they are thriving thanks to your support.
And it wouldn’t be long before those providing liposuction services to the rich and famous would be feeding a black market in celebrity blubber. It would knock a signed photograph or a lock or hair into a cocked hat, wouldn’t it?
Any entrepreneur who wants to take up the idea, feel free – just be advised that I will, in due course, be wanting my pound of flesh.